Tesco's No Quibble Policy - A Play

A Play in two parts




We open on a customer service desk in a large suburban Tesco where we see a Tesco Manager and a Tesco Junior Manager.



Enter stage right - ME


ME- Hi, I'd like to return these pork products which I bought yesterday in your store and here's my receipt.

TESCO MANAGER- Sorry, we can only take our own label pork back.

ME: I'm sorry, but it specifically said on all media, to take pork back to the store you bought it in and you will get a full refund.

TESCO MANAGER- I'm sorry, but Head office has told us to hold off on a decision on other pork labels until the meeting with the Dept. of Agriculture later today.

ME: I don't think you heard me correctly - I'm just doing what I've been told to do by the national media and I'm sure that my statutory rights are being affected here.

TESCO MANGER - No, Madam they are not. And if i give you your money back then what am I going to tell all the customers I sent home this morning?

ME: Well, you're wearing a manager's badge, figure it out.......



Enter stage left - a man about 50 - with pork pot rost under arm(not Tesco's own)

Tesco Assistant Manager stares at his shoes (Tesco Own)



ME: Surely if you are selling these pork products (not Tesco's own), then you have deemed them fit for human consumption - the dept of Agriculture and the Food Safety Board have now ruled that they are not fit for our consumption so can we please have our money back?

Man about 5o with Pot roast

I just want my money back and i'm F***** not leaving til I get it.


Tesco Manager nods to woman on till and we receive our money back on our pot roast and clonakilty sausages respectively.

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